I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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