but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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