im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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