I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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