I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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