I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
