I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
