my vag is so smooth its legendary
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
