it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
