so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
