Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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