Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
