I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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