I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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