theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
