i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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