it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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