I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Two words: blizzard sex
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
