I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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