i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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