Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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