Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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