hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
