I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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