WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
