You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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