my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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