ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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