There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
