Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
