I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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