and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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