Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
