6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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