i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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