I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
