Can Purell be used as lube?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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