What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
