I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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