If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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