i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
There's always time for handjobs
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
