I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
