somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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