being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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