listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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