I wish my penis had an off switch
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
