omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
