Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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