If that was your dad, he is hot
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
