I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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